I just can’t even.

So, I’ve been really off lately. I think it has something to do with the change in season and the overall feeling like I have no control over my life right now. Seriously, my life has been pretty hectic since June and the weirdest part is, for the first time, I’m actually not sure how to talk about it.

First: This long distance marriage is just lonely at times. I’m not even sure if “lonely” is the right word to use. When my husband started law school in Atlanta and I decided to stay back in our home town and work. Yeah, I had no idea it would be so difficult. It just seemed like the practical thing to do at the time.  I question my decision constantly. I never imagined this deep ache, well longing, I constantly experience when we’re apart. It feels like my soul is crying out, “Where are you going?!” whenever it’s time to part. I’m slowing learning how to deal with the ache. I’m starting to accept that we will always have periods of separation and I’m learning that it’s okay to feel this way.  Our openness and communication has gotten better. It’s better than it has been in a long time, actually. We’re also getting better at  balancing our alone time and friend time  a lot better too.We didn’t realize the weight of this cross would be so intense, but with God’s grace and the gift of his sacrament we will always be able to grow and overcome our issues.


Second: My job is one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done. To be honest, I was afraid when I actually got the position in SID/PID. Over time, I’ve grown to love it. I have incredible mentors and I’m learning so many new things. Every day is incredibly different and at times it is physically draining, but nothing fills my heart with more joy then seeing our kids succeed even in the smallest way.


Third: My faith is everywhere, but not at the same time. Sounds weird, right? It’s more like I’ve been dealing with more spiritual attacks and knowing that I fail constantly. It’s so frustrating. When I was in adoration during the summer and  answered “Here I am” to Jesus request, I had no idea what all he had in store for me. I’ve set four goals to fix my current state: 1) Start going to adoration weekly 2) Get back in the habit of praying the Divine Office 3) Find a parish in Atlanta that my husband and I both enjoy 4) Attend Wednesday mass (when I can) and when I am there, I am not allowing myself to just think about Lifeteen or YAM . I swear, I have A.D.D or something. It’s getting harder for me to focus during mass- I can usually get it under control by the scripture readings, but it’s so hard! My mind gets lost in everything that I have going on right now. It’s hard to focus on Jesus for an hour.

the christian soul accepting her cross by Jacques Stella

(The Christian Soul Accepting her Cross by Jacques Stella)


“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”

― Thomas Merton, Thoughts in Solitude


There are so many times in our lives when we feel completely directionless. What school should I go too? What should I major in? Will I find a job after school? How am I ever going to pay back my student loans? These questions bring out the reality of time and life itself. We’re not getting any younger and the harshness of life can really knock the wind out of you at times, but it’s in those moments, in that grasping for air, we are reminded that this is not our home. That bitter heartache and distress we may feel is that reminder.

With age, the only thing we can hopefully realize is that God is in control. He exists outside of this linear time line that we are bound too by our sins. Our journey may be hard, but we are not alone. His sacrifice, that echo of love, resonates in everything. God is present through every heartache. He catches every tear and is there during every moment of our lives. He is even present in times of indescribable suffering. He’s there in every kind word spoken by a friend and in every embrace. If you can’t see God in the midst of your heart ache, I suggest that you step back and consider his sacrifice for you. During his passion he endured the weight of the worlds sin. Life isn’t about comfort, it’s about seeking God in all things. It’s discerning the question, who is that man on the cross to you?

Your Boat

“Your boat – your talents, your hopes, your achievements – is worth nothing whatsoever unless you leave it in Christ’s hands, allowing him the freedom to come aboard. Make sure you don’t turn it into an idol. In your boat by yourself, if you try to do without the Master, you are – supernaturally speaking – making straight for shipwreck. Only if you allow and seek his presence and captaincy will you be safe from the storms and setbacks of life. Place everything in God’s hands. Let your thoughts, the brave adventures you have imagined, your lofty human ambitions, your noble loves, pass through the heart of Christ. Otherwise, sooner or later, they will sink to the bottom together with your selfishness.”
St. Josemaria Escriva

Do not go gentle into that good night

By: Dylan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Feast Day!

Happy Feast of Saint Maximilian Kolbe (aka the most awesome patron saint ever)! He not only spoke out against the atrocities of the Holocaust, but he also showed us the ultimate expression of love by volunteering to die in place of a total stranger in Auschwitz. He’s my hero. Saint Maximilian Kolbe pray for us!


New experiences

So, my husband and I have been married for a little over a month now and here are a few things I’ve discovered during this time:

1) I love being able to wake up next to my best friend in the morning. I’m still getting used to it, but I absolutely love it. It’s comforting knowing that he’s the last person I see when I go to bed and the first person I see when I wake up. It’s like a continuous sleepover with my best friend.

2) Learning how to keep our dialog open is going to be tricky, but it will get easier in time. My husband is in law school and lives in our apartment in Atlanta while I stay and work at home two hours away. With that being said, there are moments when our dialog gets clogged, it’s usually our lack of proper communication regarding what we want or need from each other, but we are still learning how to talk through it.

3) Having patience not only with one another but also ourselves is a must. A recent example would be when we moved into our first place together. During all of the unpacking and cleaning we both would become rather snippy with each other at times. It’s understandable, it was late and unpacking can be tedious. Overall, by the end, we  created a lot of fond memories together during the process.

4) It is hard to describe, but the support I get from my husband is indescribable. It ranges from encouragement with work to guidance in my faith. Sometimes when I’m really stressed it’s just helpful to hear his voice, you know? As far back as I can remember, he has always had the ability to say the exact thing I need to hear.

5) Cooking together is so much fun! Well, learning new things together in general. He is way better at cooking than I am, but my baking is better. Oh, I really enjoy reading together too! It  is a lot of fun.

6) Going to mass and Eucharistic adoration together is still one of my favorite things to do as a couple. Sitting next to my husband in mass always puts me in a ridiculously good mood. When my husband is gone I usually sit alone unless I can find a friend to sit next to. Going to mass is something we have always done as a couple and it’s nice having that time to share our faith together. Also, spending time with Jesus and my helpmate in adoration never fails to make me smile.

7) Forgiveness is key. This can be really hard at times. I’ll be honest, there are times when my husband and I just annoy the hell out of each other. I mean, that comes naturally being around the same person all the time. We both entered into our marriage with our own individual  quirks and oddities and I just need to remember that he’s not perfect and I’m far from perfect.

8) I have been praying for my husband long before our paths crossed and it’s still something I really enjoy doing. He needs it daily even if it is in the most simple way. Prayer is the most simple thing you can do for another person. God understands the needs of my husbands  heart far better than I do.

9) Part time housewifery will take some getting used to. Since my husband and I live apart, I really like to cook and bake when I come home. Luckily, when it comes to house cleaning we divide it down the middle.

The adventure just never stops and it’s filled with interesting twists and turns. I can’t wait to see what the future holds!

Our HoneyMoon

For our Honeymoon we went to Helen, Ga. We weren’t able to really get away because of work and Kurtis’ upcoming masters defense. Seriously though, not even three days into our honeymoon Kurtis’ advisor joined us with constant emails for edit suggestions and deadlines for his masters thesis. It was so cool, I met another OU alumni! I think she and her husband were the owners of the hotel.

Anywho, our first day we got lunch and explored a nearby town called Sautee Nacoochee. In one of the stores we visited I picked up a few (super cute I might add) kitchen and table decorations for our home. After shopping for a bit we decided to pop in for a visit at Habersham Winery for a wine tasting (I swear, every time I saw the name “Habersham” the only thing I could think of was Great Expectations by Charles Dickens). It was really interesting seeing the process of how the wine was made. Oh, and also while we were there I saw a cat that reminded me of Sebastian. It made me miss that little fury guy more- I know, I sound like a closet cat lady.


After our wine tasting we went and explored a local antique shop where I found a most interesting of items. When Kurtis and I first entered the shop we began looking at the display shelves where something caught my eye. It was a reliquary with a relic of Saint Lucy in it! I remember when I saw it I thought “Oh, no!! Saint Lucy, what have they done to you?!” It was so sad! When we inquired about it the store owners knew absolutely nothing about it other than she was probably purchased at an estate sale. After a bit of negotiating we brought her home with us. It didn’t feel right just leaving her there after we had found her. Seriously, how uber Catholic is that? I’m on my honeymoon and I come home with a relic, stamps from Germany and Italy during the 1940s, kitchen decorations, and wine. I love it!

The next day Kurtis and I left early in the morning to explore Anna Ruby Falls in Alpine. It was such a peaceful hike up to the falls! We really enjoyed it. Well, I enjoyed it and Kurtis enjoyed it until he saw the sign posted about keeping an eye out for rattlesnakes.


After our hike we went out for lunch and explored this touristy German village in Helen. I really didn’t care for it too much. If Epcot Germany and Colonial America had an awkward cousin that town would be it.


After that, We visited the Cottage Vineyard and it was beautiful. I really enjoyed my time there.

080 073

Any who, after that Kurtis and I went back to the hotel to change into our swimsuits. We decided to go tubing down the Chattahoochee River. That was so much fun, but exhausting! We got stuck a few times along the way-that’s where I got the huge knot (aka “warriors mark”) on my shin. I slipped on a rock trying to help Kurtis get unstuck.

The next day we went shopping for a bit and visited a few more wineries before we went home.