So, I’ve been really off lately. I think it has something to do with the change in season and the overall feeling like I have no control over my life right now. Seriously, my life has been pretty hectic since June and the weirdest part is, for the first time, I’m actually not sure how to talk about it.
First: This long distance marriage is just lonely at times. I’m not even sure if “lonely” is the right word to use. When my husband started law school in Atlanta and I decided to stay back in our home town and work. Yeah, I had no idea it would be so difficult. It just seemed like the practical thing to do at the time. I question my decision constantly. I never imagined this deep ache, well longing, I constantly experience when we’re apart. It feels like my soul is crying out, “Where are you going?!” whenever it’s time to part. I’m slowing learning how to deal with the ache. I’m starting to accept that we will always have periods of separation and I’m learning that it’s okay to feel this way. Our openness and communication has gotten better. It’s better than it has been in a long time, actually. We’re also getting better at balancing our alone time and friend time a lot better too.We didn’t realize the weight of this cross would be so intense, but with God’s grace and the gift of his sacrament we will always be able to grow and overcome our issues.
Second: My job is one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done. To be honest, I was afraid when I actually got the position in SID/PID. Over time, I’ve grown to love it. I have incredible mentors and I’m learning so many new things. Every day is incredibly different and at times it is physically draining, but nothing fills my heart with more joy then seeing our kids succeed even in the smallest way.
Third: My faith is everywhere, but not at the same time. Sounds weird, right? It’s more like I’ve been dealing with more spiritual attacks and knowing that I fail constantly. It’s so frustrating. When I was in adoration during the summer and answered “Here I am” to Jesus request, I had no idea what all he had in store for me. I’ve set four goals to fix my current state: 1) Start going to adoration weekly 2) Get back in the habit of praying the Divine Office 3) Find a parish in Atlanta that my husband and I both enjoy 4) Attend Wednesday mass (when I can) and when I am there, I am not allowing myself to just think about Lifeteen or YAM . I swear, I have A.D.D or something. It’s getting harder for me to focus during mass- I can usually get it under control by the scripture readings, but it’s so hard! My mind gets lost in everything that I have going on right now. It’s hard to focus on Jesus for an hour.
(The Christian Soul Accepting her Cross by Jacques Stella)