Posted in Inspiration

Faith and Reason

 I cannot get my mind to focus during mass. My mind just wonders as I try to navigate through my thoughts.  The biggest curse about being a historian is that I always compare everything that happens or is said to the past. When I see an object or a painting or hear something said, like the Nicene Creed, I do not only see it as a singular object, but as an entity with a beautiful lineage of philosophy, thought, and history embedded in it.  The biggest blessing, and curse, that I have encountered in my faith is my reason.  I am intrigued by this because both faith and reason come from God. If my reason does not correspond to the teachings of Christ I must be wrong.   I understand how dangerous choosing the path of flawed logic over faith can be. I used the word “dangerous” because it would be me choosing my thought and my interpretation of things over what Christ would want. In many cases it can lead to a loss of faith, but surprisingly, for some, it can lead them to a confirmation of faith.  It was my reason that brought me into the Catholic Church, and it is my faith that keeps me here.  I can definitely relate to Saint Bernard of Clairveaux when he once said, “I believe though I do not comprehend, and I hold by faith what I cannot grasp with the mind.”

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 I am still learning and I struggle with my doubts. I have not always doubted my faith.  I was raised in the Seventh-Day Adventist Church. Growing up, I was raised as an elder’s daughter, and I would always feel that I had to fulfill a certain image and maintain a rigorous lifestyle to properly fill that position. I knew that I was being judged, and it became clearer to me as I reached my teenage years.  So, with that being said, I just never questioned much. I never questioned my faith or why I did the things I was always taught to do. It was not until I met my fiancé and started undergrad that I begin to question everything.  I have always admired those who can stand firmly by their faith no matter the circumstances. That is one of the many admirable traits I find in my fiancé. We are both practicing Catholics, but we have different interpretations regarding certain teachings, say creationism for example. I tend to go more with the evolutionary aspect of it and my fiancé sides more on what the Bible says regarding it (i.e. it’s not unimaginable for a perfect God to create the universe). I have always envied him for that. The conflict that I keep referring too has appeared to me in many different forms.  I just want peace of mind. I want to be able to sit in mass and just focus on the liturgy and what is being said. I love my faith and my Church. I just wish I could get my spiritual life together. I am really tired of feeling like I am just drifting along.

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Author:

I’m usually a laid back person. I love to read. I’m a history nerd. If I could go back in time and meet just one person it would probably be Pope John Paul II. I’m married to my best friend. Fall is my favorite season. The Giant Panda is my favorite animal. I love it when you go somewhere, see something, or even eat something and it bring back memories from your past. I love the smell of rain. Oh, and by the way, I’m Leila (lie-luh).

One thought on “Faith and Reason

  1. Dear Leila,
    Your voice is clear and your words are very well thought out. The story in this post reminds me of my struggles with a maturing faith. I will pray for you and hope you keep up the good work.
    God bless,

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